“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
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[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.