“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
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Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.