@Just__J0

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

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@1Tortured_soul

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

@TEXASVETERAN

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

@IamEnidColeslaw

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

@IamEveryDayPpl

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

@QwertyJones3

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

@Marcmywords2

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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

@DothTheDoth

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

@ObscureGent

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

@AimeeHelene1

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*