Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Don’t make me out nice you.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Fluff me with a fork baby
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper