“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
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Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.