Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
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I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Your secret is safeish with me
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.