Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
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Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.