If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Do one person every day that scares you.
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It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
ME: …mint condition.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.