Do one person every day that scares you.
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I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️