@dance_blessed

Do one person every day that scares you.

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@heatherlou_

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

@Jez1

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

@OBiiieeee

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

@Mandiatrandom1

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

@TheHyyyype

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

@ddsmidt

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

@TheToddWilliams

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

@noog

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

@sarcasticmommy4

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.