Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
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Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication