@WilliamAder

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

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@yenniwhite

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

@English_Channel

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

@horacedodge

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

@TheAlexP

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

@Puercotron

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

@notfaizzy

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

@ArfMeasures

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

@Marcmywords2

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

@Dani_Feld

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*