Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
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if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Welcome to the stomach
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Him: I like powerful women.
*dresses up as a rhino*