do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
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my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I am HOWLING at this
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
me logging onto twitter
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping