do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
You Might Also Like
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that