Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
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A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
got so much cardio in today
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.