Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
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That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”