Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
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it’s a van. how do they not know this
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
How I like cutting carbs
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
They’re called werewolves.
Smells like a challenge to me
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system