Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
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Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.