Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
You Might Also Like
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
They also CAN sing✌️
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
“What movie?” 🤔
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.