@envydatropic

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

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@Julian_Deane

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

@HousewifeOfHell

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

@bwebster76

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

@amishschool

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

@my_minivan_life

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

@TheCatWhisprer

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

@brendohare

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

@i_Lean

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

@TheAlexNevil

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.