Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
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My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.