@daemonic3

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me

– Kanye West warming up

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@Contwixt

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

@a_simpl_man

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

@Cornjerker78

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

@PajamaStew

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

@badbanana

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

@KeetPotato

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

@SwedishCanary

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

@im_all_id

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

@IDontSpeakWhine

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.