Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
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“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.