@TheFemaleJoker0
@squirrel74wkgn [looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
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@squirrel74wkgn 
@XplodingUnicorn Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
@audipenny friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
@AsgardianRose 48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
@XplodingUnicorn 4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
@ristolable You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
@CindyNoPants Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
@PoliticallyILL1 I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
@sixfootcandy Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
@ronnui_ I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.