Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

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[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird


Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.


friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though


4-year-old: What does God smell like?



Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?


You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.


I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”


I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.