@TheFemaleJoker0

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

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@squirrel74wkgn

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

@XplodingUnicorn

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

@audipenny

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

@ristolable

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

@PoliticallyILL1

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

@ronnui_

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.