[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
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Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
4-year-old: With cheese?
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Me: I’m a mature adult
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.