Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
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I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.