do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
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[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?