Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
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I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
can’t bark with your mouth full
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.