do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
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*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
My friend is an excellent librarian.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all