Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

They’re on their honeymoon

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?