Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
You Might Also Like
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Florida man
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.