@cravin4

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

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@psybermonkey

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

@AndrewR31

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

@ozzyunc

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

@fightforfood

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

@danjan13

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

@pilau

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

@BadRadger

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.