Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
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I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?