@RudeFunPillow

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

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@BigJDubz

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

@BuckyIsotope

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

@SondraDeeMe

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

@envydatropic

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

@don_haworth

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

@Puncroaker

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

@KatieBurnett

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

@LuckoftheDraw86

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.