do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
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Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Okay
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.