@AndyAsAdjective “my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
@RudeFunPillow do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
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@AndyAsAdjective 
@MaximumEfficacy Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
@Rlpihl in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
@ModeratelyMused Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
@Marcmywords2 Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
@CarpeAngela “I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
@Nips_00 Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
@freypalm Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
@DanMentos [guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
@1evilidiot [couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.