@BigJDubz The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
@RudeFunPillow do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
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@BigJDubz 
@BuckyIsotope *spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
@curlymalloy Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
@SondraDeeMe Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
@OMGNotHerAgain I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
@envydatropic I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
@don_haworth I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
@Puncroaker Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
@KatieBurnett Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
@LuckoftheDraw86 Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.