@RudeFunPillow

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

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@MaximumEfficacy

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

@Rlpihl

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

@ModeratelyMused

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

@Marcmywords2

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

@CarpeAngela

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

@Nips_00

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

@freypalm

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

@DanMentos

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

@1evilidiot

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.