do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
You Might Also Like
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.