Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
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I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
wtf is a larm clock?
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
A leaf blower, but for people.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad