[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
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lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Sub-Zero: Ok fine
Scorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked