Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@david8hughes

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

@thefosterer

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

@SupahDrone

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

@bornmiserable

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

@ThisOneSayz

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

@noog

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

@midnightwhale

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

@SlipNutsTM

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

@david8hughes

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

@yourlovemuscle

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked