Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
You Might Also Like
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.