Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
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My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is