“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
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Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Me trying to reach for my goals
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Them: Just act casual
Me:
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING