‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

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Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.


The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.


Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.


[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]


If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently


At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.


Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*


I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.


If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever