‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
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🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car