Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
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If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.