do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
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This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.