“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
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Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.