“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
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I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
checking out some reviews of my local library
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.