Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
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Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?