“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
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“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
This a good idea
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
see you in hell you stupid fruit
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
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