Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
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Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
I’d hang this in my house.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.