Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
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And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
The days of good grammer has went
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Well, that didn’t work.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Leonardo DiCaprisun
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.