do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
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*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
my astrological sign is a french fry
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”