@TheBigBatman

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

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@DjKC_117

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

@Kraz60

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

@Tommytoughstuff

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

@Elifcello

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

@gvicks

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

@RocketRankoon

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

@Token_Geezer

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

@shkeeber

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*