Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

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I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.


Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?


Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]


Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.


Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.


“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”


[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*


It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*