“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
You Might Also Like
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Free him
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught