Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
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Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
twitter users today:
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.