Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
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We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer