@polychromatik

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

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@behindyourback

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

@tastefactory

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

@LocalButtLiker

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

@TheAndrewNadeau

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

@ristolable

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

@existentialcoms

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

@Lhlodder

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

@Laser_Cat

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*