Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
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More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
After 35, your body ages in dog years
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
#NoRestForTheWicked
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
This meeting could have been a cake
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.