do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
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Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Well, that should do it
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
me refusing to leave twitter
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D