Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
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i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
never deleting this app.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family