do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
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The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
some things should go without saying
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.