do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
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I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I know karate and tons of other words.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok