do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
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Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
my mind
You just read my mind
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
#parenting
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.