Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
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Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*